it's been a few months since i last wrote in here. A lot has changed in so little time. I noticed the more self involved a person is the more socially inept they are. At least that's the gist i'm getting from this... I feel clever, light hearted, open minded, handsome, smart, goofy and funny, but i don't mix well with the social scene. Is it something i said? No. It's more like something you suggested without actually saying anything? Yeah ha ha apparently my expectations are too high! This is achievable without actually saying ANYTHING! I should adjust them, may hap they need adjusting. I don't think so. So does that means there's something wrong with me? I feel fine. What about the thought that there is something wrong with them?
I feel as though i want someone with me to help move or melt this snowball of notions, but because of these high expectations it's nearly impossible to simply hang out with someone and share my thoughts. The problem is it's not me doing it, the problem is imbedded within me, the problem just happens. If i were to consciously not do anything, it would still occur. I need to learn not to give a shit, I need to make me better, I need to make it go away. It is runing my friendships and keeping me from making new ones. Nobody seems to want to help or have an answer. I am a man on an island. Perhaps this is something i must learn to solve on my own.
I do not know what comes next, but i do know i will be here tomorrow.
I applied to Starbucks. I wrote silly things on the application, they called me back. That means i should write more silly things on applications to get a call back haha!
I feel sad. I don't feel anything. I would feel better if i had someone to spend my time with. I would feel better sharing thoughts and silly ideas.
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