life or something like it

writing

2009-04-03T21:34:00.001-07:00

I don't feel like i'm progressing. I feel the same. I feel like Allan. I feel like nothing. Nothing is Allan. I'm going to school next semester, the summer semester. I will hope to feel progress in going to school over the summer. I have to maintain the hours at work in order to pay for everything that i have to pay for. Money is short. Hopefully i can save for a car. I probably won't be able to do that on my own. I feel as though getting a car is more difficult for me than for anyone else. Everyone else has a car. I shouldn't compare myself to others, but we do it anyway in order to see our progress in the world.

Recently I have been writing less and less. I wish i could write more. Wishing doesn't just happen, it works like a function. One thing happens in order for the next to happen and then the next and then the next. One thing after another, and it all just falls into place. Before you know it, your wish has come true.

Be Yourself

2009-03-30T00:07:00.001-07:00

It's all that you can do.

I

2009-03-02T10:43:00.001-08:00

I hate myself and want to die.

futures

2009-02-10T22:37:00.001-08:00

i got a second job

11/hr answering phones and cleaning tables.
not a bad job
not a bad job at all...
I'm going to try to save money and travel. Not travel to ridiculous places like japan or anything... just flying anywhere and stayin at a hotel. that'd be cool. it would be fun. I still want that iphone though haha.

2009-01-25T17:49:00.001-08:00

get a lot of money
play in a casino
if you win dont keep playing
if you lose stop playing
try again when you get more money
win big you switch tables
Never think I can win my money back
that's how you lose

Marlon Petzold

List of things i want

2009-01-11T00:13:00.001-08:00

Learn Basic Strategy - Blackjack

Elocution lessons - Become Well-Spoken

Soundproof the room - So i can talk on the phone lol

Get an iPhone

Feel whole again.

What do i want?

2009-01-01T20:38:00.000-08:00

Who am i?
has become,
What do i want?

This isn't a very easy question.
Questions are not easy on account of all the possible answers,
especially with questions like these.

What,
Do i want?

What Do,
I want?

What do I,
want?

What do I want?
What Do I want?
What do I want?
What do I Want?

A purpose.

find her but don't look for her

2008-12-01T00:17:00.001-08:00

So.

I miss emily. But i don't miss Her. I miss the thought OF her. I'm not supposed to be looking for emily. I'm supposed to be looking for her that is like me. I feel like all I do is look for her, but i shouldn't. She will just appear in my life when i least expect it. I miss loving and being loved. She is going to be like me, she'll love me for me and i'll love her for her. She won't be emily, but she'll me my love.

growing up again

2008-11-09T16:57:00.001-08:00

I want to be a giver of energy but i want to yield to my ideals because i'm confident and willing to be defeated by the world! i don't want to suck energy, i want to give love to the world. I know what i want and i accept that i am already dead, I don't need to satisfy anyone, i want to help with their endeavors!

Why am i still missing her?

2008-11-04T20:54:00.001-08:00

Some things never change,

and Some things Do.

2008-10-22T14:28:00.001-07:00

2008-10-22T11:49:00.001-07:00

2008-10-21T22:14:00.001-07:00

You decide what is real and what is imaginary. It is all choice.

i hate hearing all these voices. it's driving me nuts lol

"He likes to run the show". everything is so easily incorporated into my own life. what about everyone else? does it apply to them? thinking about this changes outgoing vibe that is sent. So reality is interactive but, it is imaginary. It is not a real function of reality. Quantum entanglement makes the imaginary out of the real and real out of the imaginary. i believe that is is the end of quantum mechanics. where everything simply is imaginary and real. Real is what we receive with our senses. Anything not communicated through reality is imaginary. it is all in your head. If quantum mechanics has an end thus so, must space and time.

Reality is open for interpretation. It is anything you want it to be. Life is the ability to perceive Reality. People are stupid, ignorant, etc etc... i guess i am too, it's a human quality to close out what we dislike.

this guy sitting in front of me can be perceived in two ways. He's blocking the teacher and a significant portion of the board. But is he blocking the teacher? or am i hidden from the teacher? I am on a computer, i shouldn't be. There is a third view but that's to disregard every/any situation.

body language is important. It speaks a lot louder than talking. But when talking is induced it voids the body language out because nothing was really communicated. In the world of Communication; Body language is imaginary. Talking is reality.

Time Flies

2008-09-27T19:02:00.000-07:00

it's been a few months since i last wrote in here. A lot has changed in so little time. I noticed the more self involved a person is the more socially inept they are. At least that's the gist i'm getting from this... I feel clever, light hearted, open minded, handsome, smart, goofy and funny, but i don't mix well with the social scene. Is it something i said? No. It's more like something you suggested without actually saying anything? Yeah ha ha apparently my expectations are too high! This is achievable without actually saying ANYTHING! I should adjust them, may hap they need adjusting. I don't think so. So does that means there's something wrong with me? I feel fine. What about the thought that there is something wrong with them?

I feel as though i want someone with me to help move or melt this snowball of notions, but because of these high expectations it's nearly impossible to simply hang out with someone and share my thoughts. The problem is it's not me doing it, the problem is imbedded within me, the problem just happens. If i were to consciously not do anything, it would still occur. I need to learn not to give a shit, I need to make me better, I need to make it go away. It is runing my friendships and keeping me from making new ones. Nobody seems to want to help or have an answer. I am a man on an island. Perhaps this is something i must learn to solve on my own.

I do not know what comes next, but i do know i will be here tomorrow.

I applied to Starbucks. I wrote silly things on the application, they called me back. That means i should write more silly things on applications to get a call back haha!

I feel sad. I don't feel anything. I would feel better if i had someone to spend my time with. I would feel better sharing thoughts and silly ideas.

Hey that's alright

2008-07-01T03:53:00.000-07:00

Life goes on even after a disappointment. what can you do when your hopes turn on you? keep on keepin' on. life is just one disappointment after another, you have to keep your chin up and continue with life. Nothing always works out the way you want it to, even after you think you have it in your hands. Quitting is an option but it's all a game of cards. persist with what you think your luck will bring you, even after there isn't anything left to gamble.

Sometimes i want to quit. i can't keep going like this. i can't go on with the recurring dismay. but i guess i will. i like the hurt. there's a comfort in being sad. i want to quit and start a new life, a different life. but i can't. i'll simply keep going, one disappointment after another. Buddha said life is suffering. there is suffering because of attachment.

i guess we're just gonna have to be neutral with every relation in order to continue this life and make something of it.

Hai! Order understood.

I noticed this is another blog that has "disappointment" as the subject. it's a little disconcerting... but imagine how much i haven't written. right now there's really not much to live for. i don't care about a lot... i think about suicide a lot. i haven't considered it in a while. i just want someone warm to hug. someone there for me.

Pure morning

2008-06-17T04:54:00.000-07:00

I'm not a morning person at all. I was at alex's house (Newtown, PA) till just now. I went over after work yesterday. i'm tired but it's too short to sleep but i might jus take a nap... thatd be nice... i have to shower anyway then go to work 10-6. i'm glad. i'm usually really talkative at work but instead, today, i will have my mouth shut and just

I'm a reasonable man get off my case... get off my case...

2008-06-15T00:19:00.000-07:00

3:52am

i can do it
ahaha

i feel greAt and alive!

there is time for everything.

Disappointed

2008-06-14T01:59:00.000-07:00

I'm always so fucking disappointed. i hate it so much. i hate hate hate it. i get so mad and upset. i don't want to get so disappointed. i always get my hopes up for something and i always think i can do it. but instead it just fucks me over in the face. i hate it. i get so upset i just want to break my fucking phone, its such a piece of shit. Nothing good comes out of anything! i fucking hate it. what the fuck do i do with nothing? i make something and it becomes shit or it backfires on me. what the fuck do i do? i hate being so disappointed, i wish something would change so that i don't get upset or disappointed.

why do you do this to me?
you must have a good reason.
could you tell me?
and then maybe...
i won't feel so down.

Dig me up from under what is covering the better part of me

2008-06-12T18:07:00.001-07:00

9:07pm.

I like this font. I'm new to blogging. I've seen a whole bunch of blogs and I've heard you can earn almost a living by supporting advertisements on your personal blog... I don't know what to make this blog of... i guess it should be grammatically correct. i don't know, i'm positive the first couple blogs will be cant, jargon, rambling, and ranting lol. should i use internet speak? hmm i guess? maybe i'll just use this as a journal... ehh i don't mind but those don't work out for me often... i guess i'll start making good use of my camera and other sources of the internet for my arbitrary topics... i could start with myself...

i'm 19
i graduated highschool 2 years ago
worked for a year
social chaos
then i went to community college for a total of 1 year
i know a lot of people
but i don't think they care about me much
i have a few friends
sometimes better than none
i love cuddling
i have an ex in florida i've been with on and off for years
i'm not gay
my parents are spanish (mom=guatemalan dad=honduran)
i was born here in princeton, nj
i have 2 siblings, sister (18) and a brother (10)
i love computers
i'm a hopeless romantic
i don't know who i am
i'm always looking for that someone who says the right thing and fills me with that warm feeling
i don't like feeling lonely
i stay up late late
sometimes i feel insecure
i have a lousy job with normal people
i like Music, Movies, Tv, Books, etc just like the next person
i think i'm meant for something Great.

I got a job at a grocery store and i have never felt so out of place. i'm starting to feel like they all have such a better potential. Who cares about how much the carrots cost per pound or if the coupon expired yesterday? there are more important things to worry about, but it's up to them to worry about it. well we all start somewhere... coal to diamonds...