iLive

5 beers and a chicken quesadilla.

2011-10-21T23:42:00.001-07:00

I went out to drink.
Now I am drunk.
Apple juice should be more hydrating.

Being in more than one place

2011-09-26T02:05:00.001-07:00

Getting a grip means what? Falling into place where you're currently standing? Then before or after the fact you're everywhere and nowhere all at once. Focus on the one position you want to be in.

I am at work

2011-09-16T13:54:00.001-07:00

I have to create something to make my income blow up. So I'm writing in my blog. I'm at work making an income, a steady one I enjoy to come into as often as I can (for 40 hours lol). But it's going to take me, my passion, to drive it to where I want. I am at work making income.

i'm good at it just let me do it

2011-03-31T17:06:00.000-07:00

i saw a fb post that said along the lines of if you're good at something get paid for it. that's a really good fuckin idea. i think i'm ambition + raw talent. i just want the objective in my hands, i want the steering wheel. i want this to end or begin. i want the steering wheel of what i'm driving in. just let me do it. the way you're driving we're not going anywhere. just let me do it. i'm sitting riding pretending i don't care. just let me do it. i know i can this is what i'm here for. to drive away and live happily forever more. it's not difficult you're on the side walk, they're going to show where i landed and sketch me up with some white chalk. you're taking me in circles, i'm getting nauceous, this is stupid i'm getting off this ride. i'd rather be shot idc or dead the things you say get me livid i just see red. just let me do it. theres a turn signal up ahead. random outbursts like that is okay. it's about creativity. imagine that's how your life is 100% of the time and you're good at it. That is the life.

follow through

2011-03-28T13:34:00.001-07:00

don't give up :)

i really trust in myself

2011-03-27T18:38:00.000-07:00

I really trust in myself to make it. To do what i want to get done, to be responsible. i can see it happening. you just gotta put yourself in the way of the fate you want to choose. it's your destiny to do what you want, it's your free will to choose your fate. pick out your responsibilities, how fun they are when you do what you want. i won't even notice it's work.

i want a job

2011-03-26T14:43:00.000-07:00

I want a job. i need money. i can tell it doesn't feel good. the wine store DIDN'T FEEL GOOD. I'M STILL GOING TO MAKE A RESUME.SEND IT TO THEM ANYWAY. IF THATS NOT MY SHIZ THEN WHAT IS?

Awesome

2011-03-26T14:31:00.000-07:00

So i discovered the need for responsibility. i googled it and everything. i really like the term. i always knew it, like i would try to bite off more than i could chew in terms of jobs. like chilis i had to start as a host, move onto being a waiter and so on. THAT'S HOW IT WORKS.

the silence of life

2011-03-22T12:42:00.000-07:00

Inbetween everything is silence. Even in life. inbetween the book reading, music listening, the food eating, the conversations about tax returns, working out and smelling the roses there is a silent abyss where Noone can survive alone. It is a real realm of nothingness, a purgatory where nothing, not even life can grow.

the destruction of planets

2011-03-18T10:16:00.000-07:00

WHEN I WRITE IN CAPS IT MEANS I'M ON MY PHONE. IT'S DARK OUT AND THERE'S SOME COMMOTION OUTSIDE. EVERYONE IS GATHERED ON THE STREETS ALONG THE CURB WITH NOTHING BUT THE ROAD AND COMFORT BUBBLES BETWEEN US. THERE'S A LIGHT THAT LOOKS LIKE A SUN. IT BECOMES BRIGHT AS THOUGH IT IS THE SUN. A MOMENT OF CONFUSION STIRS BEFORE A PLANET OF SIMILAR QUALITIES OF EARTH APPEAR. THE PROBLEM OF ANOTHER SUN APPEARING IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT CREATES A JUXTAPOSITION WITH ANOTHER LUMINIOUS BODY IN THE SKY. A QUESTIONABLE FLICKER FROM THE EAST GOES OUT TO THE HEAVENLY POSSIBLY LIVING BODY AND EXPLODES ON IMPACT. IT WAS A MISSLE. A SENSE OF URGENCY DEVELOPS AS THREE MORE ROCKETS ARE SENT THROUGH THE SKY. A REPLY FROM EARTH IS THE SAME, DESTRUCTION. THIS TIME THE ROCKET IS COMING TO OUR PLANET. THAT SAME FLICKER OF LIGHT IS ON ITS COURSE TO HOME AND IT'S BRINGING HURT. FRIGHT IS THE ONLY WAY TO DESCRIBE A WORLD LAYING AGAZE ON THE INCOMING SILO. IT FLYS INTO THE ATMOSPHERE WHERE ITS EXPLOSION IS YARDS AWAY. THEY SENT MORE THAN ONE I THINK TO MYSELF. EXPLOSIONS LAND CONSECUTIVELY AS THEY WERE SENT LIKE ANTS SURROUNDED BY POPCORN KERNELS IN A MICROWAVE. THE SMOKE AND FIRE SUBSIDE AS A DENSE FOG CLEARS THAT CAN ONLY BE DONE BY THE WINDS. A RED BALL LANDS ON SAID STREET SEPARATING THE WOUNDED FROM THE HORRIFIED SPECTATORS. THE ALIEN BALL ROLLS TO A STOP AND THE RED GLOWS IS FROM THE HEAT OF SOLID METAL, IT'S A MACHINE. A CHAOS LINGERS IN ITS ESSENCE. THE ROBOT UNLOADS ITS CAPABLE CATERPILLAR TRACK, THE CENTER IS A SPHERE WITH A BOTTOM RED LIGHT THAT IS RECENTERED AND RESETS ONTO THE SIGHTS IN FRONT OF IT. THE MACHINE UNLOADS A GATTLING GUN ON EACH SIDE AND BEGINS UNLOADING AMMUNITION ONTO INHABITANTS.

ideas

2011-03-14T12:15:00.000-07:00

ALEX SHOWED ME A SITE CALLED REDDIT.COM. I NOTICED A LOT OF CULTURE ON THE INTERNET SHOWS UP IN THE MEDIA SOONER THAN THE MEDIA SHOWS ON THE INTERNET. IF I MAKE TSHIRTS (INEXPENSIVE) OF THE MEDIA ON THE INTERNET AND SHOW IT IN CURRENT MEDIA I'LL BE A WAYPOINT OF CULTURE AND SELL MILLIONS! THIS THURSDAY/FRIDAY I CAN USE MY LITTLE CHECK TO GET IRON ON TRANSFERS AND TSHIRTS. I CAN SELL ONE AND I GET MY MONEY BACK. I CAN SELL THEM ALL AND I CAN MAKE A BUSINESS.

what's happening in front of me

2011-03-10T04:31:00.000-08:00

I'm on the bus. I CAN ONLY WRITE IN CAPS LOCK. IT'S RAINING OUT. THE BUS IS DRIVING DOWN 206 TO TRENTON. PEOPLE ARE PICKED UP AND DROPPED OFF. A GUY IS ON THE PHONE. BODY LANGUAGE IS REAL. I SEE A BMW. I WANT TO DRIVE MY OWN BMW TO WORK. THE SECRET WORKS. I'M USING MY PHONE TO WRITE IN BLOGGER. WRITING IN CAPS IS FUN. I WANT TO DRIVE MY OWN CAR. I AM SEEING AN APARTMENT IN PHILADELPHIA TOMORROW. IT'S DAMN NEAR PERFECT ON ACCOUNT IT'S NEAR EVERYTHING; WORK AND SCHOOL. HEHEHEH I GET THE MONEY. FROM THE TRAIN STATION I WALK TO WORK. THIS BUS IS WAY BETTER THAN SEPTA BUT I HAVEN'T TAKEN THE SEPTA ENOUGH TO KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE. I'M AT THE TRAIN STATION

checking in cause i'm getting better

2011-03-08T22:51:00.001-08:00

i love my new phone.

Things to read for me to visualize

2011-02-22T09:06:00.000-08:00

Blue and white emblem of a BMW,
the crisp yet sharp emblem on a Mercedes that's new,
on the center of the purely leather steering wheel,
the sound of a 60000$ car door shutting is something you can feel,

the receiving a lump sum of cash,
in a chilling suitcase solid drum of a cast,
the door that feels open infront of your chest
going through that door way leaving all of the rest,
and submersing yourself in the cool breath of the universe,
the feeling of laughing forever at your very hardest
because it feels like you can,
being in love.
Listening to good music
where you will put your hands up
cause you are free!

Friends

2011-02-20T19:59:00.000-08:00

I'm developing a relationship with all the things I like. Instead of just liking them I can make them my friends. Talk to them. I think I have to go on film and post it online. I enjoy cameras ive always been shy.

I recently bought a hd camcorder so there will be more of my face for the world to see and share. The cool part is I got it cause I want one. It excited me! I saw one on amazon for 30$!!! It was priced at 80$. It's HD!!! It can take still pics and video and that's amazing. I ordered LV sunglasses, Versace necklace, D&G rosary, I want three tattoos. A 100$ bill on my wrist, "Lady Killer" on my side in a cursive and "the world" on my palm. I'll think of some scripture on my back to tattoo I'm sure.

How I feel at home.

2011-02-20T18:19:00.000-08:00

It's a slump. It's a downer I think. Kind of like when you're asleep. "I don't know why you said anything." what makes me feel better is freedom, bigger spaces, worry free. And I want you to come with me. We'll run holding hands like it's not a big deal. We're together and there's no turning back.

Expressions

2011-02-19T21:18:00.000-08:00

A doorway of light is real and once you have walked through the doorway, you have it for life. The doorway is made of light. Yellow-white radiance warms your skin, you can even feel it reach you down to your bones. The door shuts behind you and you are finally on the other side. Where your whole world is your perception spectrum of what is happening all at once. You can select where this fourth dimensional push of energy is channeled through. It will surround your world and take you higher.

This world is only felt. Ever hear of those expressions, "I feel like a million bucks!" or "Haste makes waste"? Expressions like those were not meant to be cute. They literally meant that they felt like amillion dollars! when you see a slice of chocolate cake and the way it makes you feel is it's own wavelength. The best part about this is you can sync your energy to that mass of energy. The law of attraction says "what you think about you bring about". The secret says your thoughts control your energy level.

The day before valentines day

2011-02-13T12:34:00.000-08:00

walking from the train from kirstens from NYC, I thought how this town is my home.thank you town for being my home. :)

Selling gucci like products and porno

2011-02-09T16:47:00.000-08:00

Thoughts ideas? I want my own website and I'm excited to sell something. I can even sell my own music!I want to go to Europe, Italy and get my own house, eventually get married. <333

i met a swedish girl...

2010-12-17T14:29:00.000-08:00

jag använder körsbärs chapstick
i use cherry chapstick

jag gillar dig med
i like you too

fortsätt prata med mig
keep talking to me

hejdå
gbye

jag älskar dig
i love you

Who i used to be

2010-10-14T14:21:00.001-07:00

I know i will get out of here.

Visualize

2010-10-14T11:21:00.000-07:00

I want a bmw.
because that's the best car for me, it's fast, it looks great. It's a status symbol that fits what i feel, success and worth.

I want a girlfriend.
because i am a lover, i want to be in love, and she will love me too.

I want my own house.
because i will be free there. I can be myself at home, My home.

I want money. A lot of it.
because when i want something i want to be able to buy it, i want to be able to save my money and make more. I will be okay with a lot of money, there would be no worries.

I want to enjoy my life.
because i want to feel good and not feel like crying all the time. i want to enjoy myself. I want to Feel Good. I want to cry out of joy and i think that's what this is all summing up to.

Purpose

2010-06-10T15:57:00.001-07:00

Agent Smith:
There's no escaping reason, no evading purpose, because we both know, that without purpose there is no reason to exist. It is purpose that created us, purpose that connects us, purpose that pulls us, that guides us, that drives us, that defines us, it is purpose that binds us. We are here because of you, Mr. Anderson. We're here to take from you what you tried to take from us. Purpose.

Nice dream - Radiohead

2010-04-24T20:49:00.000-07:00

They love me like I was a brother
They protect me, listen to me
They dug me my very own garden
Gave me sunshine, made me happy

nice dream, nice dream
nice dream

I call up my friend the good angel
But she's out with her ansaphone
She says that she'd love to come help but
The sea would electrocute us all

nice dream, nice dream
nice dream, nice dream
nice dream, nice dream.

nice dream (if you think that you're strong enough)
nice dream (if you think you belong enough)
nice dream (if you think that you're strong enough)
nice dream (if you think you belong enough)

(Now come home, now come home)
(Now come home, now come home)

nice dream, nice dream
nice dream, nice dream

Feelings = Thoughts. So make your feelings with your thoughts.

2010-04-23T23:11:00.000-07:00

I have ambition, social engineering, and everything i absolutely need, except Feelings. If i could feel for the things i do more then i could feel to deeper things and be more passionate. It would result in me being down to earth and genuine. I'd love that. I think it's vital because everyone uses their feelings. I've disassociated myself with feelings so much that i can't use the secret to get what i want because it runs on passion for what you're attracting. I want to feel deeply and more.

I realized that if I think i'm not enough for someone, then i won't be enough for people that are equivalent or greater. I came to see that is a limiting belief. Why would i not be enough for someone? They couldn't handle me. This goes to show the only person that stands in your way is yourself. If you think you can't take a top score in tetris then that keeps you from thinking you can't get a top score in pong. Of course you can get the top score, not just for tetris but for anything. One is able to achieve more than they think they can. Thoughts become things. Be weary of what you limit yourself from doing because it's probably not true. I feel like any thing is possible. I've been told people have their own unique skill. But i think if we so passionately believe we can do it than why couldn't we? My power is from within, so, it is under my control.

You can't go back

2010-02-24T22:43:00.000-08:00

Once you've made such wishes. I'm afraid. I'm scared. I'm doubting myself. I believe there are those who fail. That's why belief in myself is so important. To rise out of the ashes and be the dreams and reality I dream. I will always progress. I believe in being on top. I believe in achieving. I believe it's possible. It's just scary. I don't want to be a nothing. I believe i should be on top. I believe i'm worth it, I believe i have value. It's a risk we have to take. What is there to lose? I believe i deserve it. I believe i should get it. If i don't, i can't say what will happen if i don't. I believe in losing. I believe in solutions. I believe in getting it, I believe in strategy. I believe in Love. I believe in having it all. I believe in reminders. I believe in success, I believe in succeeding.

I believe in myself.

2010-02-24T21:27:00.000-08:00

I felt so lost. Aimless. I didn't know which way is the right way, if there is a right way. I was so trapped in my head, I would've been better off dead.

I'm still not so sure about what to do. But that 'how' is revealed and it's not found, for me at least.

With some help of friends and experiences, i learned you have to believe in something that makes for a more solidified 'You'.

I believe in structure, I believe in doing things a certain way, i believe in why?, i believe in expressing yourself and growing and reaching further, i believe in living life, i believe if you're not interested in it you shouldn't have to partake, i believe there's an answer for everything, i believe some things never change and some things do, i believe in myself.

I believe i'm capable of exceeding what i have now. I believe in my dreams that seem so far but are actually within grasp with the help of gratitude, visualization, and receiving opportunities that arise towards my goals. I believe in achieving goals. I believe we get what we deserve. I believe in value, i believe in a certain flow of things. I believe in my experiences.

I'm so happy now that...

i'm in school, meeting new people, learning new things every time, doing homework, earning education. I'm happy that i'm in a good position to make my life better. I'm happy now that i'm able to reach for my dreams. I'm so happy that i'm off probation, i'm so happy that i'm living comfortably at home, i'm so happy now that i can take responsibility for my life.

It's a battle in my head, between what i want and what is possible. I'm in the process of convincing myself that the how is really unveiled. It's been shown to me, i've seen it happen countless times. But for something as a big bet as dreams is scary because i don't want to be let down. I want to achieve it, i want it, i want to have it as my reality. I will be cause i believe in myself to do it. Without beliefs you'll fall for anything. I believe i'm capable of achieving these wishes. I believe it's possible, i believe it's scary. I believe i'll get it. When i'm feeling down and not capable. I look at the things that i want, my love, wealth and health. I believe life is in abundance because we Don't want all the same things. There is so much of everything and it's all possible to achieve. I believe the universe will answer. I believe the opportunity to align myself with what i want will arise. I believe in the universe, in my beliefs and myself.

I'm a monster with the Law of attraction

2010-02-02T06:49:00.001-08:00

What you think about is what comes to you. Thoughts become things. Want for it, visualize it, accept it, and be open to recieving it. I woke up and i thought about this. I kinda wish i re-watched the secret again to reinfoce how i feel. But i felt like passing out so i did. I woke up this morning and i thought about how if you wake up feeling lazy then you have a lazy day. I noticed i was full of thoughts, i figure it's going to be a thoughtful day. I want to have an energized good day. i'm going to class w/ kevin david, which is chill cause we smoke after. I'm gonna get the english book from abe, do some reading. I'll probably get a fruit salad again and then go work out. Just in time to see becky before english class. haha becky. kinda of a cute name. Becky. haha. she's kinda cute herself. well. I actually don't have my buisness law book yet... so i'm wanting the teacher to talk and not use the book yet. I'm visualizing the end of class feeling relieved because i didn't need to have the book today which is great because then i'll have enough time to get the book thursday.

Shew. I'm kinda relieved already.

30 minutes before class. oi vey i guess i should leave at 15mins. I don't need my schedule i guess. haha.

what the universe has in store.

writing

2009-04-03T21:34:00.001-07:00

I don't feel like i'm progressing. I feel the same. I feel like Allan. I feel like nothing. Nothing is Allan. I'm going to school next semester, the summer semester. I will hope to feel progress in going to school over the summer. I have to maintain the hours at work in order to pay for everything that i have to pay for. Money is short. Hopefully i can save for a car. I probably won't be able to do that on my own. I feel as though getting a car is more difficult for me than for anyone else. Everyone else has a car. I shouldn't compare myself to others, but we do it anyway in order to see our progress in the world.

Recently I have been writing less and less. I wish i could write more. Wishing doesn't just happen, it works like a function. One thing happens in order for the next to happen and then the next and then the next. One thing after another, and it all just falls into place. Before you know it, your wish has come true.

Be Yourself

2009-03-30T00:07:00.001-07:00

It's all that you can do.

I

2009-03-02T10:43:00.001-08:00

I hate myself and want to die.

futures

2009-02-10T22:37:00.001-08:00

i got a second job

11/hr answering phones and cleaning tables.
not a bad job
not a bad job at all...
I'm going to try to save money and travel. Not travel to ridiculous places like japan or anything... just flying anywhere and stayin at a hotel. that'd be cool. it would be fun. I still want that iphone though haha.

2009-01-25T17:49:00.001-08:00

get a lot of money
play in a casino
if you win dont keep playing
if you lose stop playing
try again when you get more money
win big you switch tables
Never think I can win my money back
that's how you lose

Marlon Petzold

List of things i want

2009-01-11T00:13:00.001-08:00

Learn Basic Strategy - Blackjack

Elocution lessons - Become Well-Spoken

Soundproof the room - So i can talk on the phone lol

Get an iPhone

Feel whole again.

What do i want?

2009-01-01T20:38:00.000-08:00

Who am i?
has become,
What do i want?

This isn't a very easy question.
Questions are not easy on account of all the possible answers,
especially with questions like these.

What,
Do i want?

What Do,
I want?

What do I,
want?

What do I want?
What Do I want?
What do I want?
What do I Want?

A purpose.

find her but don't look for her

2008-12-01T00:17:00.001-08:00

So.

I miss emily. But i don't miss Her. I miss the thought OF her. I'm not supposed to be looking for emily. I'm supposed to be looking for her that is like me. I feel like all I do is look for her, but i shouldn't. She will just appear in my life when i least expect it. I miss loving and being loved. She is going to be like me, she'll love me for me and i'll love her for her. She won't be emily, but she'll me my love.

growing up again

2008-11-09T16:57:00.001-08:00

I want to be a giver of energy but i want to yield to my ideals because i'm confident and willing to be defeated by the world! i don't want to suck energy, i want to give love to the world. I know what i want and i accept that i am already dead, I don't need to satisfy anyone, i want to help with their endeavors!

Why am i still missing her?

2008-11-04T20:54:00.001-08:00

Some things never change,

and Some things Do.

2008-10-22T14:28:00.001-07:00

2008-10-22T11:49:00.001-07:00

2008-10-21T22:14:00.001-07:00

You decide what is real and what is imaginary. It is all choice.

i hate hearing all these voices. it's driving me nuts lol

"He likes to run the show". everything is so easily incorporated into my own life. what about everyone else? does it apply to them? thinking about this changes outgoing vibe that is sent. So reality is interactive but, it is imaginary. It is not a real function of reality. Quantum entanglement makes the imaginary out of the real and real out of the imaginary. i believe that is is the end of quantum mechanics. where everything simply is imaginary and real. Real is what we receive with our senses. Anything not communicated through reality is imaginary. it is all in your head. If quantum mechanics has an end thus so, must space and time.

Reality is open for interpretation. It is anything you want it to be. Life is the ability to perceive Reality. People are stupid, ignorant, etc etc... i guess i am too, it's a human quality to close out what we dislike.

this guy sitting in front of me can be perceived in two ways. He's blocking the teacher and a significant portion of the board. But is he blocking the teacher? or am i hidden from the teacher? I am on a computer, i shouldn't be. There is a third view but that's to disregard every/any situation.

body language is important. It speaks a lot louder than talking. But when talking is induced it voids the body language out because nothing was really communicated. In the world of Communication; Body language is imaginary. Talking is reality.

Time Flies

2008-09-27T19:02:00.000-07:00

it's been a few months since i last wrote in here. A lot has changed in so little time. I noticed the more self involved a person is the more socially inept they are. At least that's the gist i'm getting from this... I feel clever, light hearted, open minded, handsome, smart, goofy and funny, but i don't mix well with the social scene. Is it something i said? No. It's more like something you suggested without actually saying anything? Yeah ha ha apparently my expectations are too high! This is achievable without actually saying ANYTHING! I should adjust them, may hap they need adjusting. I don't think so. So does that means there's something wrong with me? I feel fine. What about the thought that there is something wrong with them?

I feel as though i want someone with me to help move or melt this snowball of notions, but because of these high expectations it's nearly impossible to simply hang out with someone and share my thoughts. The problem is it's not me doing it, the problem is imbedded within me, the problem just happens. If i were to consciously not do anything, it would still occur. I need to learn not to give a shit, I need to make me better, I need to make it go away. It is runing my friendships and keeping me from making new ones. Nobody seems to want to help or have an answer. I am a man on an island. Perhaps this is something i must learn to solve on my own.

I do not know what comes next, but i do know i will be here tomorrow.

I applied to Starbucks. I wrote silly things on the application, they called me back. That means i should write more silly things on applications to get a call back haha!

I feel sad. I don't feel anything. I would feel better if i had someone to spend my time with. I would feel better sharing thoughts and silly ideas.

Hey that's alright

2008-07-01T03:53:00.000-07:00

Life goes on even after a disappointment. what can you do when your hopes turn on you? keep on keepin' on. life is just one disappointment after another, you have to keep your chin up and continue with life. Nothing always works out the way you want it to, even after you think you have it in your hands. Quitting is an option but it's all a game of cards. persist with what you think your luck will bring you, even after there isn't anything left to gamble.

Sometimes i want to quit. i can't keep going like this. i can't go on with the recurring dismay. but i guess i will. i like the hurt. there's a comfort in being sad. i want to quit and start a new life, a different life. but i can't. i'll simply keep going, one disappointment after another. Buddha said life is suffering. there is suffering because of attachment.

i guess we're just gonna have to be neutral with every relation in order to continue this life and make something of it.

Hai! Order understood.

I noticed this is another blog that has "disappointment" as the subject. it's a little disconcerting... but imagine how much i haven't written. right now there's really not much to live for. i don't care about a lot... i think about suicide a lot. i haven't considered it in a while. i just want someone warm to hug. someone there for me.

Pure morning

2008-06-17T04:54:00.000-07:00

I'm not a morning person at all. I was at alex's house (Newtown, PA) till just now. I went over after work yesterday. i'm tired but it's too short to sleep but i might jus take a nap... thatd be nice... i have to shower anyway then go to work 10-6. i'm glad. i'm usually really talkative at work but instead, today, i will have my mouth shut and just

I'm a reasonable man get off my case... get off my case...

2008-06-15T00:19:00.000-07:00

3:52am

i can do it
ahaha

i feel greAt and alive!

there is time for everything.

Disappointed

2008-06-14T01:59:00.000-07:00

I'm always so fucking disappointed. i hate it so much. i hate hate hate it. i get so mad and upset. i don't want to get so disappointed. i always get my hopes up for something and i always think i can do it. but instead it just fucks me over in the face. i hate it. i get so upset i just want to break my fucking phone, its such a piece of shit. Nothing good comes out of anything! i fucking hate it. what the fuck do i do with nothing? i make something and it becomes shit or it backfires on me. what the fuck do i do? i hate being so disappointed, i wish something would change so that i don't get upset or disappointed.

why do you do this to me?
you must have a good reason.
could you tell me?
and then maybe...
i won't feel so down.

Dig me up from under what is covering the better part of me

2008-06-12T18:07:00.001-07:00

9:07pm.

I like this font. I'm new to blogging. I've seen a whole bunch of blogs and I've heard you can earn almost a living by supporting advertisements on your personal blog... I don't know what to make this blog of... i guess it should be grammatically correct. i don't know, i'm positive the first couple blogs will be cant, jargon, rambling, and ranting lol. should i use internet speak? hmm i guess? maybe i'll just use this as a journal... ehh i don't mind but those don't work out for me often... i guess i'll start making good use of my camera and other sources of the internet for my arbitrary topics... i could start with myself...

i'm 19
i graduated highschool 2 years ago
worked for a year
social chaos
then i went to community college for a total of 1 year
i know a lot of people
but i don't think they care about me much
i have a few friends
sometimes better than none
i love cuddling
i have an ex in florida i've been with on and off for years
i'm not gay
my parents are spanish (mom=guatemalan dad=honduran)
i was born here in princeton, nj
i have 2 siblings, sister (18) and a brother (10)
i love computers
i'm a hopeless romantic
i don't know who i am
i'm always looking for that someone who says the right thing and fills me with that warm feeling
i don't like feeling lonely
i stay up late late
sometimes i feel insecure
i have a lousy job with normal people
i like Music, Movies, Tv, Books, etc just like the next person
i think i'm meant for something Great.

I got a job at a grocery store and i have never felt so out of place. i'm starting to feel like they all have such a better potential. Who cares about how much the carrots cost per pound or if the coupon expired yesterday? there are more important things to worry about, but it's up to them to worry about it. well we all start somewhere... coal to diamonds...